I often joke with my friends that if I have another boy they need to start a wine train instead of a meal train. In all reality that wine doesn’t need to be delivered now or when the baby is born. And let’s be honest, not even in the next few years. I have a huge fear of having another boy, a fear that my heart just can’t handle it… and it goes beyond the rambunctiousness of raising a toddler boy.
I know what comes along with having a boy… kinda. I understand the wildness, the climbing on everything and yes and the trips to the med check for stitches. I had a younger brother so I also understand the smelliness of the teenage years.
The next thing I am going to write is hard for me to admit. It brings me to tears just thinking about it. And frankly, I don’t know how to write it without coming across selfish….
I do understand Genesis 2:24, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”
I have one son. Someday he will leave us for his wife. He will raise a family. And that family will become his priority. I understand it. It is exactly what my husband has done. I have prayed for M’s wife since he was born. Yet, the thought of it brings me to immediate tears. How can I possibly do that twice?
And what about the journey to find that special lady God has chosen for him? Oh dear! Let’s just stop there. There are not the right words for this.
I know that it will be a bittersweet day when all of my children leave us to be with their spouse- the one God has chosen. For me, the thought of a son doing it is harder than a daughter. I often observe that women grow to have families who are extremely close to their family: the maternal family. You don’t always see this with this, but I do find it more often that families tend to gravitate towards the wife’s. I think that is my fear.
Or what about the day he goes off to college? Or joins the military? Or moves away and I only see him on the holidays? I went off to college and I moved away. The only difference is I called my mom often. In fact, when I worked we talked almost every morning on my commute into my school. When I met my husband, he couldn’t believe this. He told me how when he was in college he rarely called his parents. (Insert sudden fear.)
And then there is that first heart break that he will experience. I know when this happens to C it will be me she comes running for, but I am quite certain that won’t be the case with a boy If my son (or sons) are anything like their father or uncle, they will hold it in and not talk to anyone.
I could go on and on with the list and I know all of this comes with the territory of raising boys. I know it is selfish as I want to always be his #1 and the reality is I won’t. I pray every day for the relationship I have with M, for his spouse and for his future. I also pray that when these hard days come God will lead me in the right direction.
As much as I fear having another boy, at the same time the vision of two little boys learning to play catch in our backyard excites me. Knowing that our last name will be carried on, makes my husband proud– and that makes me happy. Envisioning two brothers, less than two years a part on a field or diamond together makes my heart beat extra fast.
I know there will be fear and excitement that will come with whatever gender this baby may be. Raising not one but two girls in their teenage girls gives me fear too! Today though, the fear of having not one, but two boys is on my heart. I pray that whatever gender this baby may be that God will equip me to raise these children as He has intended. And ultimately I pray that when this sweet baby makes his or her arrival he or she is safe and healthy.
Your turn- tell me!
What are your fearing right now?
How do you deal with fear?